Meanwhile, Back on the Farm, It’s Still a Long Long Row to Hoe…

Well, I bought the scale, but I haven’t had the nerve to weigh myself yet. Had the scale less than a week, so I’m working up the courage, I guess you can say.

I’ve been pretty good. There was one day a couple weeks ago when I went off the program to try a new restaurant. I logged the calories like always. My daily calorie average, even with my little “excursion,” is still under 1500.  Lately I keep thinking that I’m gaining weight. I don’t know if it’s just some panicked reaction to eating off my program (OMG, I had BREAD!) Maybe it’s just fear of “going rogue” because I have “naughty food” in the house: I actually have croissants AND muffins! Bad, bad foods!  I think I’ve had 2 croissants and one muffin since I bought them more than 2 weeks ago. When I ate them, I added in the calories, so even though they aren’t the best choices, I included them in my calorie count, so I didn’t go over my limit on any of those days.

I just keep looking at my legs and thinking I’ve gained weight. I don’t see how I could have, since I’m under 1500 calories a day. I know I don’t exercise much, but even then I should be losing weight. I don’t think I can take the calorie count any lower without risking my metabolism shutting down. I did a little walking the other day and it really hurt my knees, but I’m going to keep walking. I need the exercise and I need to walk, be more mobile.

Sooner or later I’m going to have to weigh myself and get the hard cold numbers. I don’t know what I’m going to do if the scale shows I’ve stopped losing weight, or gained. I guess I’ll have to cross that bridge if it happens. I guess I’m tired of waiting to lose weight. I’m tired of being patient, eating the right foods, of having to cook my foods instead of just getting something prepared. I miss eating the way I used to: getting fast food, eating what I have in the house that’s ready to eat like muffins and croissants.  I miss eating the foods I used to eat, like the muffins and croissants and the Hershey bars I’ve still got in the house. I am tired of being good.

I keep telling myself that I’m doing this to be healthy and feel better. I do feel better.  I’m wearing smaller clothes and getting lots of compliments. I know this takes time. I know that for other people losing 51 lbs in a little less than three months is a big deal. I’m down 74 lbs from my highest weight and I’m not dismissing that. Either of those losses is a big deal. My doctor was thrilled with the 51 lbs. I’m proud of it. It’s just tha for “normal” people they’d have reached their goal weight already. They’d be looking at maintaining their weight instead of losing. There would be a little more leeway in their diet, meaning more grain products in their diet, maybe pasta once a week, or a sandwich or a muffin. For me, it still means watching my calories like a hawk: the more exercise the better, the fewer calories the better. I knew it was going to be a long haul when I started this trip. You don’t get fat overnight and you don’t lose the weight overnight. It’s a lot easier gaining the weight than it is losing it.  (It’s a lot more fun, too, eating whatever you wanted to, as much as you wanted to.)

So I’m here in the middle of this process, slogging along, counting calories, trying to get as much exercise as I can and reminding myself how beneficial this is for me. I guess one of the things that bothers e is listening to other dieters complain about how tired they are of counting calories when they have only 20 or 30 pounds to lose. I know that’s a lot for some people and I don’t mean to make light of their problem, but somehow comparing 30 lbs to 244 lbs seems a little ridiculous! It’s the difference between pudgy and super obese. It’s the difference between a few months and a long long way to go. Carry on, everyone!

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