Some of you may recall that I am a huge fan of NCIS. Anyone who’s a regular viewer is no doubt aware of Agent Gibbs’ rules. He’s got a lot of them! These are things like “Never leave suspects together” (Rule #1); “Never be unreachable” (Rule #3); and “Never go anywhere without a knife” (Rule #9).
My family and friends know that one of the reasons this show appeals to me (aside from the whole Navy thing) is that I’m pretty much a “rule” person too. I like structure, boundaries, rules, whatever you want to term it: it just works for me! For me, rules are little reminders and guidelines that let me know how close or how far I am from my target. Unfortunately, if we aren’t careful, we forget about Rule #14: “Bend the line- don’t break it.” We follow our rules and somehow we expect that everyone else should follow our rules too!
I see this a lot in posts from my MFP friends (My Fitness Pal) and in My 600 lb Life, and it usually goes something like “my husband/ wife/ family keep bringing home junk food!” The idea is usually that their food is tempting you and so you eat it, or they are doing something ‘wrong’ by not eating like you are. Either way, it’s not their problem- it’s yours! It would be nice if your husband and kids didn’t come home with potato chips or Girl Scout cookies so you aren’t tempted, but you don’t live in a bubble which means when you go out in the Real World, there’s all kinds of french fries, candy bars and super-sweet frapuccinos just waiting for you. So…. do you expect the rest of the world to stop making these things available just so you won’t eat them? We all know that’s an idiotic expectation, but we make the same expectations of our family and friends. We expect them to order a salad when you meet for lunch just so you won’t be tempted by their chips. Maybe we can expect them not to offer you one of their cookies but for them not to eat cookies in front of you? Maybe…if you’re a guest at their house, but if they’re your wife or kids? Are they supposed to hide whenever they eat the things they like just so you won’t see or smell their ice cream? This is where they live! And if they don’t want to eat the things you eat, it’s not a crime.
Sometimes this comes out of disagreements over what to eat at home. You want to have healthy foods like veggies and lean meats, something low fat, low sugar or full of fiber while the rest of your family wants pizza and wings. For some people, making or ordering two separate dinners is completely crazy. For others with family members with food allergies, it’s totally normal. For them, it’s a way of life but if you’ve never done it before, it’s one way of keeping everyone happy.
Of course, making this adjustment starts with admitting to Rule #51: sometimes you’re wrong, and when you dictate to your spouse and friends and other adults in your life that they either need to change how they eat or not bring ‘their bad food’ into your home, then yes, you are most definitely wrong!
We’re all familiar with the ‘reformed addict’ way of thinking, as in Jane stopped smoking so now she’s haranguing everyone else who still smokes/ vapes. Or Mike stopped drinking and now he’s preaching to everyone else who still orders a beer with dinner. For us, we’ve stopped eating bread/ sugar/ processed foods, so now we’re spouting the benefits of whole unprocessed sugar-free foods to anyone who orders a combo meal at Burger King. Do you really think any of Jane’s friends will stop smoking because she’s harassing them? Or that Mike’s friends will stop drinking because of his nagging? No? So why are you doing the same thing to your spouse, family and friends?
Your decision to eat healthier is a great thing and I’m sure all your loved ones were really supportive of your changes, especially since you started feeling and looking better. Then, you turned into Jane/ John the Nag and all those positive feelings they had for you went away. It’s not that they stopped caring about you or that they don’t want you to eat healthier- they just don’t want to get harassed for eating Cheetos! Frankly, I’m with them.
I’m super-sensitive to this whole “healthy eating harassment,” mainly because I have listened to my mom do it to me for most of my life. She meant well, just as Jane and Mike are trying to help their friends, but it meant that everything I ate was under scrutiny when I was with her. I was also subjected to all of her “helpful advice” while we were out together. These were ideas like chewing more so it takes longer to eat. Not a bad idea except her “implementation” was chanting “chew! chew! chew!” whenever I took a bite at restaurants. Helpful? Not one bit! It also included other not-helpful ideas like scraping all the breading off the fish I ordered or ripping out the inside of the dinner rolls and not eating the butter. She made judgments about everything I ate or didn’t eat and the hard part was that she didn’t do it to be mean– she was trying to help! Unfortunately, she had the opposite effect: it just made me eat when she couldn’t see me.
I know it’s hard when there’s food in the house that isn’t good for us or that we are trying to avoid. I had the same problem whenever I buy things for my dad that he can’t get where he lives. These are usually things that we both love, like pretzel bagels or buns, licorice, cookies and other carb-rich tasty goodies. They sit in a drawer in my kitchen waiting for my dad’s next trip to town and in the meantime, they are calling my name. The temptation actually starts when I buy them, since I can buy a package for me too! I usually don’t shop in those parts of the store since there’s nothing there for me, but once I’m there- wow! they have mini-croissants! and garlic naan! Yummy! So the first hurdle is getting out of the store with only the things my dad wants but at home, I start hearing their deadly siren song. Then the bargaining starts: I can eat these and then buy more for dad since he won’t be here for five more days… Ummm and in what universe is that a good idea?? It’s always harder when they’re right there in the kitchen and in my case, I can pretty much buy them and eat them with impunity since I live by myself. I don’t have to hide the wrappers or eat them when no one else is home. There’s no one to judge me but me.
This brings me to Rule #5: You don’t waste good. This is what keeps me from gobbling all the licorice and cookies I want. I’ve put in a lot of work learning to eat better and be more active and I’ve lost a lot of weight specifically by not eating these kinds of foods. They just don’t work out for me and I know this. I learned it the hard way, so why would I want to waste all the time and effort I’ve already put in? In some ways I’ve got the best and worst of the situation: I don’t have to worry about others bringing in Forbidden Food, but on the other hand, I can buy it myself without anyone watching. For most of us, the whole point of not having that stuff in our house is that we have a ‘Temptation-Free Zone.’ That can be really great, but the truth of the matter is that we live and work in the Real World which is full of temptations. Even if I don’t have anything for my dad at home, we still have lots of Forbidden Food at our office or at the local Starbucks or just the grocery store three blocks from my house. Even Office Depot has a million sugary starchy snacks! In huge quantities, too! We have to learn to say no to temptation whether it’s at home or it’s in the Real World. Our nagging our friends and family to ‘be good’ and not bring home Cheetos and Wheat Thins isn’t going to make them stop doing it any more than my mom’s nagging made me stop eating mac & cheese. I had to realize for myself that eating it wasn’t doing me any favors. When we try to make others do what is best for us and not them, we are wrong. We have to decide for ourselves what we are going to eat and what we aren’t. It doesn’t matter if the cookies are in the kitchen or at the store. Sooner or later, we have to go out into the Real World. We have to make our own rules, and then decide to live by them. Or not.