Living in a Food Focused World

Some of you know I have a cockapoo named Remy. He’s a little black curly mop about 12 lbs and almost 3 years old now.  Before him, I had a succession of Yorkies (very different dogs, physically and personality-wise!)  Where Henry (my last Yorkie) was independent and bossy, Remy is more mellow and focused on me.  One of Henry’s most adorable (eye roll) traits was to cock his ear when we were out in the yard to acknowledge, yes, I hear you calling me, and now I’m ignoring you, and he’d go off doing his own thing. Remy, while not exactly clingy, keeps his eye on me so if I head to the other side of the house, he keeps me in sight.

Probably Remy’s most distinctive trait is his lack of focus on food.  I had a Queensland mix (Sarah) who’s nickname was the “Shark.” I had heard it said of sharks that they will eat anything and if it doesn’t come back up, it’s food!  Sarah was like that: she ate all kinds of things that should have made her deadly ill (like an entire pound of Oreos in one night!) but she lived to a ripe old age.  My friend’s dog Watson is a lot like Sarah: there is no five second rule at her house because nothing edible is on the floor that long!  In my house, it’s closer to a five day rule. I fill Remy’s kibble bowl about once a week; he likes to eat when we go to bed and when we get up in the morning.  I give him dog cookies (loves peanut butter) and dog treats and people food, but most of them stick around in his various  beds or on my bed or in his bowl or on the floor until he either eats them days later, the cats   eat them (sometimes) or I finally throw them away because they look dirty.  Even the people food.  I come home in the afternoon and see last night’s leftover people food treat on his paper plate and as I’m throwing it out, I make the comment that there are starving dogs in South Modesto who would eat this in a heartbeat.  (This is after my cats have had a crack at it too!) I’ve finally reached the conclusion (yeah, I’m a little dense) that giving him people food treats are a waste of food, and it’s not like it’s broccoli or salad (although he does like iceberg lettuce, the weirdo!) or even bread or rice: this is chicken, pork, beef and eggs he’s snubbing with that curly schnozz!  Watson would snarf it in a heartbeat!

That’s because Watson is food focused and Remy is not.  If my friend wants Watson’s attention, she gets it with a treat: his motto is anything for a cookie!  Remy’s motto is anything for the toy!  Offering him a cookie is a waste of time: he’ll sniff it, and maybe take it politely and set it down somewhere (Watson has eaten a lot of Rem’s treats that way!)  Show him the ball or his stuffed animal, totally different story! Remy has scolded me for not noticing that he tossed the ball at my feet an entire minute ago and I still haven’t thrown it for him!  I’ve often thought about attaching one of my Fitbits to his collar so I can cheat at the Weekend Warrior challenge- I’m sure he’d beat anyone when he’s chasing his toys up and down the hallways and all around the yard!

So blah blah blah, why’s she babbling about the dogs?! Because WE are not that different! Most of us are either a lot like Watson and focused on food, or we are like Remy and totally unconcerned about it.  I’ve commented to my MFP friends that I need to be more like Remy because “who cares if there’s chicken thighs on  my paper plate! Throw the ball, Mom!” When I was in college, the most effective method for getting anyone to attend your function was to put “refreshments will be served” on your flyers.  It works pretty well in the business world too!  People will flock to wherever there is free food (and even if it is  not so free). As a society, we are focused on what we’re eating, what other people are eating, what’s better to eat, what’s bad for us and what we love to eat!  Our holidays revolve around food: Halloween candy, Thanksgiving dinner and dessert, Christmas cookies and candy, New Year’s drinks and appetizers, and that’s just what’s in store for us in the coming months!  There’s still the rest of the year’s food focused holidays to deal with: Valentine’s, St. Paddy’s, Easter, Memorial Day, the Fourth, Labor Day, not to mention birthdays and anniversaries, graduations and other celebrations.  They usually involve some kind of food and a lot of times, some kind of cake or pastry.

I’m not condemning our food focus, because for most of our history as a species, food was hard to come by (and in some places, it still is!) Sharing food is sign of community and belonging: it’s how we reinforce our societal bonds. We gather with friends and family and share food and drink and comraderie. It’s an important part of our genetic make up; while other animals, my cats for example, will groom each other, we tend to bond over food.

So what happens when food is our Achilles heel? Do we choose not to attend these food oriented functions and miss out on most of our holidays and gatherings?  Do we just give up and subject ourselves to the enormous struggle of saying no to things like pumpkin pie, stuffing, mashed potatoes and endless cookies or do we strategically arrive after the table has been cleared and join the gathering late? All of these are viable options, and only you can decide which of these is easiest and/ or more convenient to you.  Of course, there are some other considerations involved with each choice depending on you and your goals.

Choosing not to attend: this is the probably the most effective as well as the harshest if your goal is simply to avoid the food.  It’s easier if you just don’t come face to face with all of the food, especially if they are things you really enjoyed eating, but there’s a hefty price to be paid with the isolation involved.  It means cutting yourself off from your community and family which for most of us is our support system.  This is not a good thing as it means you have no one to turn to when you need help or support of any kind.  For many people, not attending is also not an option because of FOMO (fear of missing out) on the food.  You skip the Halloween parties and miss out on the “special” cookies, candies, treats, etc.  (Is a pumpkin shaped Reese’s peanut butter cup really a treat?) For me, there are some things that I don’t like to miss out on, but the biggest “treat” for me is not the food- it’s the family and friends (yeah, I know it’s corny!)  I have a large extended family that gets together for the holidays and there is always an over-abundance of all kinds of food.  For me, not attending is not an option.  I don’t see my family enough in my opinion and so, each holiday, I come face to face with a table overflowing with all of the yummy stuff I grew up eating.  Is it hard saying no to all these things? You better believe it! If it gets to be too much, I make a habit of joining family in another room away from the food, and there have been times when I gave in and “tasted” -eye roll- some of it.  For me, the hazards of over-indulging at a family holiday are worth it for the shared family time.  Missing out on the food isn’t the issue for me; it’s not worth it to miss out on the family time.

Attending the gathering and facing the temptation: this one is the hardest when it comes to testing your resolve! As I said above, my family has a table full of temptations before, during and even after the meal.  There’s always the finger foods and appetizers followed by the yummy dinner full of all kinds of entrees and side dishes, then there’s the table full of desserts.  Seriously, we have enough food for at least two complete meals apiece for everyone!  We get there around noon and leave around six for most holidays and it’s nothing but eating in between: during the game, during the gifts, during the cooking itself- there’s always food readily available sitting there saying “I’m yummy!” One of the strategies I’ve employed (to moderate success, I admit) is sitting in another room away from the kitchen and dining room, but everyone has a plate full of food, so even there, it’s tempting me.  I serve myself the stuff that I think is healthiest (and a lot of times it’s something I brought) and I make a point to eat as slowly as I can.  As I said, I’ve had moderate success with this but it’s only one option.  Other options include planning your eating before you go to the gathering (another strategy I’ve used).  If you know you’re going to be eating more than usual for lunch/ dinner, then carefully plan what you eat beforehand.  This can include skipping breakfast or eating less breakfast so you can eat more at the gathering.  Another plan includes filling up before you go on healthy options, like having a large salad or meal full of veggies before you go to the gathering, so the food you are trying to avoid is less tempting to you.  You’re full and not so tempted (hopefully) to eat out of boredom or habit.  The biggest temptation (for me anyway) is to “graze” and eat a handful of this and a spoonful of that all day long.  I know for office workers during the holidays, subjected to endless trays of cookies and boxes of candies, one trick is to put whatever you were going to eat into a Ziploc bag and at the end of the day, you see how much you really would have eaten- usually way more than you thought it was! That’ll put the damper on grazing!

Strategically planning your arrival: I’m just going to come out and admit I think this is lame, but it works for some people.  For me, a big part of my socialization with my family actually involves preparing the meal.  I get to hang out in the kitchen with my aunts and uncles and cousins and make the food.  The added benefit is by the time the meal is ready and everyone else descends on the loaded table like a cloud of locusts, I and the rest of the kitchen crew are so tired of the food, we wait until everyone else has gone through and then we choose from what’s left, if we don’t have to refill the platters first.  It kind of puts a damper on the appetite for us. Arriving after the meal is done is not always possible, since for our family, about an hour after the meal, we serve dessert and after lingering over dessert, we start cleaning up and heading home. Waiting until the food is “gone” means missing out on most of the gathering for our family.  For my friends, it’s a better option.  They have the meal and dessert followed by several hours of games and chatting and socialization.  I can show up later, miss the food and still enjoy time with my friends.  These are also the friends who make holiday cookie trays for everyone full of the home-made cookies the recipient likes best, like lemon bars, mint chocolate chip cookies, chocolate dipped marshmallows and candied walnuts. (Some of my favorites!) After I started eating Paleo, they asked if I still wanted a cookie tray, and let me know they would not be offended if I said no, so I thanked them and declined.  Did I miss some really great once a year treats? Yes.  For about five minutes, which is about how long it takes to eat them. Did I still spend time with them during the holidays? Yes.  We just didn’t make the cookie tray a part of it.

Keeping it Low Key

I am blessed with family and friends who respect that I’m eating differently than I used to and, for the most part, differently than they do.  Most of them, like most of the world, eat a lot of processed foods and refined carbs, which I really avoid. If they offer something and I decline, they respect my “no thank you” and don’t keep pushing it at me.  In turn, I respect what they choose to eat.  When I was at their Super Bowl party last February, they had a table full of chips, dips, crackers, and some crudite (veggies). I didn’t criticize their choices.  It’s not my business what they want to eat.  If they’d asked my opinion, I would have given it, but I still wouldn’t have said “it’s all unhealthy processed junk!” (That’s not my opinion of their choices, btw!) Unfortunately, this is what a lot of people do when they start making healthier food choices: like any new convert, they feel the need to push their new point of view on everyone around them!  As a result, no one wants to spend time with them or eat with them.  Who wants to eat with someone who keeps trashing what you are trying to enjoy? Sadly, I have way too much experience with this one. My mom (the Constant Dieter) was always telling me whatever I was eating was full of fat, full of sugar, full of “empty calories.”  Even today, if I decide to put Splenda in my drink, she lets me know that “Splenda is the worst artificial sweetener there is! It’s full of chemicals that cause cancer!” (She has been known to say this to total strangers at Starbucks!)  I don’t know how true this is and frankly, it’s none of her business if I choose the Splenda or not.  At least she didn’t try to put her choice of sweetener in my beverage.  She’s tried stuff like that before and ended up spilling my glass all over the table.  It was annoying, but she felt really bad about it and hasn’t done it since.  But the point is that what you or I eat is no one else’s business.  No one needs to justify why they are or aren’t eating the tortilla chips, the sugar cookies, or whatever else is available.  What we decide to eat is extremely personal, in my opinion anyway, and the idea of someone trashing what anyone is eating is beyond rude.  It’s one thing to comment on not eating the cookies because they have coconut and you can’t stand it, or that they have peanuts and you’re allergic- that’s a matter of taste and safety.  It’s not a comment on how healthy/ unhealthy they are.  My best advice for handling people like my mom is to make an offhand comment like “we all gotta die of something!”

Adjusting your Focus

The plain truth of the matter is that most of the world is focused on what they are eating and what everyone else is eating.  There’s always some report on how something is bad for you, better for you or  what food is “guaranteed to give you cancer” (eye roll), and it’s hard not to focus on what you are eating for dinner, ate for breakfast or are eating right now.  Food is fuel for the body but it’s also a physical and social enjoyment as well, and it’s hard to be the loner at the table who’s not having the same thing as everyone else, or even just eating something different.  It draws attention in a way we might not like, but unless someone is rude about it, there’s no need to worry about it.  If anyone does ask, “you’re not having anything?” just tell them you aren’t hungry or it doesn’t appeal to you- something polite and noncommital and move on from the topic.  There is a lot going on in the coming months, and yes, there will be food everywhere, but that doesn’t mean it has to be the focus of your social life.  Choose the friends and family and leave the food for everyone else. You might be getting together to have lunch or Thanksgiving dinner or watch the Super Bowl, but is the food really the point of the gathering?  Even when you go to lunch with someone, yes, the meal is important but after making your healthier food choices, focus on the company and not the giant cheesesteak sandwich they ordered. I remind myself that my cockapoo would rather have a hug from me than a cookie and the point of hanging out with my friends has everything to do with them and nothing to do with whatever snacks are on the table!

 

 

 

 

How to Help Someone Make Positive Changes

This one is admittedly pretty tricky! It comes way too close to the “pushing them to make positive changes” boundary, which is almost guaranteed to make the person you’re pushing NOT want to make any changes at all.

I wish someone had told my mom about this when I was younger, because she pushed and pushed and PUSHED! Of course, every time she pushed me, I balked like a stubborn donkey and would not make any changes at all.  As easy as it would be to blame my mom for my unhealthy lifestyle lasting as long as it did, I can’t, because she was right that my lifestyle was completely and totally unhealthy but at the same time, it’s the old “lead a horse to water” scenario. The more she kept nagging me about it, the more I tuned her out and just plain got mad about it.  For most people, nagging does not work- it only makes people mad.  It certainly does for just about everyone in my family.  Angry people do not listen- they are too caught up in being angry!

But this also puts family members and friends in a bit of an awkward position.  Someone you care about is trying to make positive health changes, either losing weight or getting fitter (usually both) and you want to be supportive without being a nag.  What the heck do you do?  How does this change your relationship, if it even does?  Do you try to be supportive or do you pretend nothing has changed at all?  If you pretend nothing has changed, does that mean you’re not being supportive and being a bad friend?

I know it’s been a bit of a challenge for my friends, because most of our get-togethers revolve around food, as I’m sure most people’s do.  We get together for lunch, for movies, for festivals that usually have a lot of food involved, and of course they want to be supportive, but at the same time, they don’t want to get stuck eating salad after salad because of where we go to eat.  There are a couple of places that they really love that have absolutely delicious bad-for-you food.  If it’s not beer-battered and deep fried, it’s full of refined carbs and sugar.  There’s very little on those menus that fall in my eating plan.  Our normal plan of action is to choose a place on consensus, so if one of us has had sandwiches or Chinese all week and really wants something else, we figure it out, but sometimes, they really want to go to that Bad-for-You place, so I can either veto it or just lump it and make the best choices I can when I get there.  (It’s a struggle for us too- do we stop eating out with our friends or do we just go off the reservation each time we do? There’s always an adjustment for someone!)

Most of the time with my friends, it’s not a problem, because they are considerate about my eating changes and I’m not a freaked out drill sergeant when it comes to choices. If I know we are going to a place that doesn’t have the best choices, I make some adjustments beforehand, like not eating any carbs or not eating any fat or sometimes just not eating!  I meet my dad for lunch a couple of times a month and the place he likes best has a salad bar, which really works for me, but I also make it a habit not to have breakfast before we go, because I know I’m going to be having more calories than usual for lunch. Most of it is veggies, protein and some fat, which is what my breakfast and lunch would be on a normal day anyway; I just lump it into one meal when I see him.

This weekend is another example of eating out with my friends: we are having a pet play date, which means I drop my dog at their place and we go to lunch (usually after the rugrats are a little worn out and ready for a break).  Lunch can be anything and we usually pick the place when we meet up; it can be sandwiches, Mexican, Italian or Asian.  It usually depends on what they have been having all week, since my eating is pretty standard these days, and this time of year, “lunch” usually includes a run by Starbucks for a Pumpkin Spice Latte.

“We are now entering the ‘Adjustment Zone!'”

This process is really not that different from the way it’s always been: we ask if there’s anything anyone has really been wanting (for example, my friend & I are both big fans of KFC coleslaw, which is not that bad for you- yay!) or if there’s anything anyone really wants to avoid (like having had sandwiches three days in a row), so it’s generally a consensus and most of the places we go, I can choose something healthy or make healthier substitutions.  If it is one of those notoriously bad-for-you places, my choice is either lump it or veto it, and out of consideration, they don’t choose those places very often, and when they do, I usually choose to just lump it!

It’s a whole lot harder when you live with the people who are making healthy changes! I remember times when my mom had the fridge or cabinets full of her “diet food” and I know some of my fitness friends have a really hard time when their kids or their spouse (who are not making healthy changes) bring home things like cupcakes or candy or soda or decide they want pizza or Chinese for dinner. It’s hard to get excited about salad, steamed broccoli or rotisserie chicken when everyone else is having the stuffed crust meat lovers chased down with red velvet cupcakes! “Yay, I’m making a healthy choice” feels a lot more like missing out on those occasions.  This can be a really difficult situation for a lot of families, because you (as the “fitness fan”) can either veto the pizza/ Chinese/ tempting food (if that is an option- might be outvoted!), or you can watch everyone else eat it while you have your own healthy choices, or you can lump it and just eat what everyone else is eating and there goes that day’s healthy choices out the window! (I think a recent pizza commercial calls the vetoing salad lover ‘Sally Soul Smasher’- now that’s complimentary- eye roll!) But the choice is up to you.  There are some things that I am okay with watching everyone else eat because they don’t appeal to me and then there are some things that just sit there sending “I’m so yummy” messages right to my brain! (Ironically, I’m more tempted by yogurt than cake!)

As the Supportive Family Member (SFM), you really have a lot more options than the “fitness fan.”  The Fitness Fan (FF) can either eat it or not eat it (or veto it) and they have to make that internal struggle.  The SFM can always choose to eat the foods they love outside the house, not to eat it at all or to eat it all so there’s none left to tempt anyone else.  If you know there is something your FF really loves and struggles to avoid (like chocolate), then bringing home a box of chocolate bars can really be mean.  Admittedly, most people just do it without thinking- it never crosses their minds that what they are bringing home could present a temptation to the FF! And of course, this is where the problems start! For the FF, it could feel like an attack or like the rest of the family doesn’t care or “they want me to be fat!” and this is usually not the case. For kids especially, the whole issue of “is this something I shouldn’t bring home?” never comes into their heads unless someone has a severe allergy in their family, and even then they probably only think in terms of the allergy.  When someone has never tried to make concerted efforts to change their eating habits, the idea of “good food, bad food” is really the last thing they think about.  The store had a sale on their favorite ice cream so they brought it home.  They went by the market and brought home holiday cookies, or there were boy scouts selling caramel corn outside the post office so they bought a couple of bags.  For someone who is trying to eat better, all of these foods are possible trouble, but for everyone else, it’s not a big deal.  It’s easy for us FFs to roll our eyes and say, “yeah- YOU don’t have to worry about eating the whole box/ bag/ carton!” But to paraphrase a snarky comment, “since when does YOUR lack of willpower create a problem for me?” I remember a patient on My 600 lb Life saying she wished they could just close down all the bakeries so that way she couldn’t “hit them up,” and yeah, it would be nice if all the bad-for-you food were banned or rationed by the “Food Police,” but we all know that’s not an option!  So this is where the FF has to learn to bite the bullet instead of  the cupcakes. It really is their fight and as the SFM, all you can do is offer that help and support and try not to put too much temptation in their path, especially at first.  Ultimately, the FF has to learn to say no to things that aren’t in line with their goals, but like any habit, they get better with practice.  Once they start seeing results and the cravings go away (or become more manageable at least!), then they probably won’t freak out if you bring home the Costco gallon jug of Red Vines, but the first few weeks, that would probably cause a meltdown.

Now for a few words on keeping your mouth shut and FYI:  this goes for the FF and the SFM.  As I said at the beginning of this post, nagging and pushing are not conducive to cooperation.  As the FF, keep your mouth shut about whatever anyone else is eating and/ or doing!  Telling your loved ones that eating processed foods or using Splenda or binge-watching House of Cards while sprawled on the sofa for six hours is going to kill them is guaranteed to p*ss them off!  It does not promote positive change in the slightest! (My mom still nags about Splenda! eye roll!) IF they ask you about the changes you’re making, feel free to share it, but until they do, don’t push your new habits on them!  As for the SFM, keep your mouth shut whenever the FF goes off track.  If there are donuts in the house because of company and the FF indulges, remarking “I didn’t know donuts are on your diet!” is just going to encourage failure, not success.  It creates a sense of embarrassment, failure and defeat, and hopelessness.  If the FF asks “who wants to split a donut?” please volunteer!  If they are doing great and looking healthier or any other positive changes, please tell them how proud you are of their success! Nitpicking on how much they are eating or not eating, working out or not working out, falling off the wagon occasionally: these are more likely to be interpreted as criticism, not advice or encouragement.  IF the FF is acting in a manner you really think is unhealthy (ie starving themselves, or exercising way too much so they get sick) speaking up is most definitely warranted, but other than offering encouragement and helpful supportive suggestions (ie how about broccoli instead of salad today? you had salad all week!), the fewer comments the better.

It doesn’t have to be a difficult adjustment for everyone involved when someone in the family decides to make healthier choices.  Most difficulties come in the initial transition period but once it becomes a regular routine, things usually settle down.  For the SFMs, it means being a little more considerate about bringing the Halloween candy or other treats into the house and for the FFs, it means not freaking out when faced with temptation.  There is always the option to join them in making the healthy choices.  Being a diet or workout buddy can not only help both of you improve your health, but it can also be a fun way to strengthen the relationship.  It’s an extra step that is definitely not required! One of the common mistakes the FF often makes (especially as a parent or spouse) is to try to force everyone else to join them on the fitness bandwagon.  This is pretty much a guaranteed ‘epic fail’! (See above re: ‘nagging!’) Most of the heavy lifting falls on the Fitness Fan’s shoulders; your job as a Supportive Family Member is just to lend a hand when needed!

Waiting for the Gopher: Staying on Track

“In any moment of decision, the best thing you can do is the right thing, the next best thing is the wrong thing, and the worst thing you can do is nothing” ~ Theodore Roosevelt

With all due respect to TR, I think doing nothing has its place, especially in the weight loss world. It reminds me of a cat my grandmother had a long time ago.  My grandparents lived on a ranch and there were always gophers around. We’d have to watch our step on the lawn because of the gopher holes, and she had one cat who stalked those little diggers relentlessly.  One summer day, she was sitting patiently a couple feet from the newest hole, staring at it,  and she waited. And waited. And waited.  She didn’t move a muscle: no yawning, scratching, lying down.  She was a cat statue and some of us commented on it, because we knew she was waiting for the gopher, and sure ‘nough: the last thing that gopher did was pop his nose out of the hole, and all we saw was the blur of that cat pouncing, reaching into the hole and pulling the gopher out- there was a brief blurry fight and then the cat dashed off with her reward.  SUCCESS!! The entire process took several hours of no movement followed by a few seconds of furious activity before she finally got her just dessert, but the cat didn’t give up.

It would have been easy for the cat to lay down, stop being vigilant, take a bath, close her eyes: that gopher will surely pop up soon, but she knew she needed to be focused.  When he popped up, if he saw or smelled her, he’d be gone and the opportunity would be lost.  She surely wasn’t going to starve if she didn’t get the gopher, since my grandparents provided her with a home and food, but then she wouldn’t get what she wanted: the gopher (maybe they are the version of cat caviar- who knows?) We are a lot like the cat, much more so than we really want to admit.  We are waiting for the “gopher.”

It probably feels like we are standing still, keeping our eyes focused on the scale, waiting for the number to drop, and it feels like we have been standing there since the beginning of time. We keep following the diet, doing the exercise, saying no to all the forbidden foods we used to eat regularly, passing on the beer and drinks with our friends, and it’s. taking. for. f***ing. ever!! We just want it to be DONE already!! (Ahhh!!) I know.  I’m there with you!! I’ve been doing this for about a year and a half and I’m not even halfway to my goals!! I’m soo tired of no/ slow progress; dropping two pounds, up one and a half, down three, up two, down, up, down, up.  The good news is I’m slowly ratcheting downward, but it’s in small increments, and it’s sure as hell not a fast drop!!

And while I’m “being good” and following my weight loss program (mostly Paleo), everyone else is not running to the gym and is eating the chips and chocolate, and not paying any attention to their weight or their health and they look pretty happy and healthy. I’m denying (read: punishing) myself and not reaping any measurable benefit! I’m stuck in Weight Loss Limbo: the Land That Time Forgot (booming echo-voice). I’m the cat waiting for the gopher. BTW, how did that cat know that gopher was going to come up out that hole??

 

She didn’t.  How could she?  She’s a cat, but she followed her instincts. This is where our “big brains” do us wrong: we talk ourselves out of being patient.  Sooner or later, the gopher would pop up and the cat would be there waiting, but only if she were patient enough. If she opted to lay down, take a bath, go sleep in the shade, the gopher would show himself, and then go back down, and the cat would have missed her opportunity. Sooner or later, the number on the scale will drop, but only IF – bigger “if” here for us- we stay focused and patient with our eyes on our goals.The gopher will stick his head up, whether the cat is there or not, but if we stop following our weight loss program, there will be no “gopher” for us: the scale will most definitely move, but in the direction we don’t want it to go.  More than missing out on our reward, we will have really punished ourselves by going backwards.

This is the difference between “doing nothing” and “doing the wrong thing.” It feels like we are doing nothing and going nowhere, but really we are being patient and being focused. The cat was very still, but she was very focused, which is saying a lot because there were a lot of people walking and talking on the other part of the lawn.  She was ignoring us and staying focused on the gopher hole.  We need to ignore everyone else, eating the burgers and fries and drinking the beer and hanging out, while we focus on our goals.  We don’t have be “cat statues,” but we do need to be vigilant- because the number on the scale will go down, but only if we have been patient enough.

Opportunity is missed by most people because it’s dressed in overalls and looks like work~ Thomas Edison

This is our opportunity to stand strong and do the work.  Edison was right, because opportunity doesn’t knock on our door like the Prize Patrol with a big ol’ weight loss check for us.  We don’t send in the “I wanna lose weight” entry and then “win” out of the blue: “Yay- I lost 25 pounds!!” Uh….. no.  Losing weight is work.  Worse, it’s work that takes a long time.  It’s hard work, which is why everyone hates it and the weight loss/ fitness industry is making money hand over fist with plans, potions, and gizmos that are “guaranteed” (eye roll riiiight wink) to make you lose weight quickly, easily and painlessly. We’ve all seen the late commercials for a certain unnamed pill that will make you lose weight superfast no sweat!! If it were really that easy, everyone would be thin and/ or healthy.  You would buy the little box of pills and in a couple of months be thin as a rail and that would be the end of it.

We all know that’s not true. This is where people get into trouble trying to avoid the hard work that goes with losing weight and/ or getting healthy.  They opt for the short cut- the “magic pill”- that has short term effects which wear off and lead to weight gain, or even worse, have devastating health effects. They take the potions, have unnecessary and often irreversible surgery and more often than not, end up in the same situation they were before, if they don’t end up worse.  (Sadly, I’ve known people who opted for the short cut and died as a result. It’s one of the things that keeps me motivated to do it the old fashioned hard way!)

It takes a long time for you to change your habits and it takes a long time for your body to change. This is what makes weight loss so incredibly frustrating, because we live in a world where everything is almost instantaneous.  Weight loss and getting healthy are the complete opposite of “instant.” It’s a series of opportunities that lead one to another, building into a habit, which leads to sustained changes in your body.  It’s tough, because even though we know the opportunities aren’t just going to come knocking on our door, they come masked in situations that look like birthday parties, nights out with the gang, and the donuts at the Monday morning meetings.  These sound and look like work, because they are, dressed in temptation.  You can do the work and make the healthy choice that will move you farther down the path to your goal, or you can not do the work and miss the opportunity. You can say no to the donuts, the drinks, the birthday cake; say yes to the apple, the seltzer. This is where, like the cat, you have the choice to give up or stay focused. The cat could have given up on the gopher and gone rubbing up against us at the BBQ and gotten some hamburger for no trouble at all (I bet it tastes better than raw gopher!) but she didn’t.  She was focused.  She was motivated! Aren’t we tougher and smarter than a cat?? (If my kitty heard me say this, I’d be as dead as that gopher!) This is where we either give up or stand up:  “I’ve been following my diet for ten months and I’ve only lost ten measly pounds! Mmmm, pound cake… I wonder if I can get some at the bakery??” or “Dammit- I can do this! I didn’t come this far to back down now!!” This is where we either throw in the towel or pull on the overalls! This is where doing “nothing” really is doing the right thing!

 

Missing the Boat: The Real Trouble with FOMO

We do love our acronyms, don’t we? Things like BOGO, GMO, rBST, etc.  It’s a simple method for shortening a name or expression.  I confess it took me forever to learn what FOMO stood for: Fear of Missing Out. In our highly socialized society, it’s a legitimate fear.  We are a true paradox in that we say we highly prize individuality, and then relentlessly mock those who don’t follow the herd.  (For what? Not being “individual” enough or for calling our attention to our own lack of individuality?? Hmmm thoughtful face here)

As someone who tends to stand out in a crowd (my weight and big mouth kinda give me away- googly face here), I’m used to people looking at me and asking me why I’m so “different” (a polite way of calling me a nonconformist or just plain weird).  Last March we had a retirement luncheon for one of our secretaries at the office and we had been told numerous times that “lunch would be provided” and that lunch turned out to be chips, fruit salad, cookies, sub sandwiches with soda and bottled water.  I don’t eat chips or bread normally.  I had some fruit salad, a sandwich, water and a couple of cookies.  If I had been at Subway, I’d have gotten the sandwich on flatbread, but since it wasn’t an option, rather than rip the guts out of the plain white bread (all the whole wheat and pumpernickel were gone), I just ate the sandwich like it was.  I suppose I could have just had the cold cuts, cheese and veggies, but we were all eating together and I decided not to draw attention to myself. It was Cathy’s luncheon and I was still kinda the “new hire” and didn’t want to make a big deal about how “I don’t eat this kind of food.” (haughty sniff)

That’s part of the double-edged sword of FOMO: people look at you for doing something different.  There are “acceptable” differences, in that they had vegetarian sandwiches available, but nothing Paleo-friendly, other than the fruit salad (which many hard-core Paleo followers won’t eat). By not following the herd, you draw attention to yourself for sticking out and sometimes that is viewed as a condemnation of the herd’s eating habits: “I’m too smart/ good/ healthy to eat the junk food you people eat.” Sometimes people just don’t want to be the center of attention, and it can be viewed as attention-seeking: “I’m somehow sickly or deserving of special treatment” as in those who have a legitimate allergy or condition, like celiac. (While the coordinator took the time to order vegetarian options, he made no effort to include any gluten free options, or for the lactose-intolerant, both of which I would have taken!)

So aside from not following the herd and having everyone stare at you for dumping the bread off your sandwich or gutting the roll, there’s also the whole idea of “missing out” on something special.  This is what most people think of when they think of FOMO:  “Everyone else is having some of that really delicious looking cake/ cookies/ donuts/ brownies/ insert yummy treat here and I’m NOT!! (teary face here) I have to say, that is usually not what I think of when I think of FOMO.  I think it’s mainly because I’m used to eating differently than others.  There are things I like and things I don’t and most of my life, I’ve just gone ahead and ‘ripped the guts out of my bread,’ so to speak, when I’m some place comfortable. I grew up in a large extended Hispanic family, so along with the turkey, stuffing and mashed potatoes, our Thanksgiving table had beans, rice and enchiladas.  I have never been a big fan of beans and rice (my best friend loves them! lol) So, while I would mash the heck out of the refried beans, I’d leave them off my plate, along with the rice and a few other things that were on the table (not a fan of white meat or ham either). It was never a big deal at our family gatherings, because there were the ones who don’t like olives, or mushrooms, or onions, or were vegetarian.  Our differences were equally embraced in the family (half the family loves walnuts in their chocolate chip cookies and the other half hates them- I’d make a batch of each!) Food idiosyncrasies just weren’t a big deal because we weren’t there for the food- we were there for the family and friends.  To me, the big deal of FOMO was missing out on the family and friends.  The food was good (believe me, I love enchiladas like no one’s business!), but for me the point of being with family and friends for any kind of celebration was never the food.  In fact, I remember one party where we had WAY too much cake (and it wasn’t even good cake!) I got sent home (despite my protests! eye roll) with a 9×9 piece of cake. Ugh! I was thinking I’d just throw it out because it was too sweet to give to my dog (who helped herself to it off the counter as I was hanging up my sweater! scream face) So, problem solved, although I kept waiting for her upchuck the cake.

For most people FOMO is about missing out on tasting something really delicious! You’re out with friends and/ or family, maybe celebrating something, and there is a stack of really yummy looking donuts or cookies or whatever looks absolutely delicious, and you don’t want to say no and have people ask you “why not?” and even more, you don’t want to say no and have to listen to everyone else groan “ohhh, this is sooo fabulous!!!” as they scarf it down.  Really?? How delicious can it really be?? Is it something you’re going to think of years later and say, “damn, I wish I’d had that shrimp/ lobster/ paella/ whatever”??  I would absolutely say, “damn, I wish I’d gone to my cousin’s wedding/ my grandfather’s birthday party/ Christmas Eve 2012.” How long are you going to be thinking about the “scrumptious food” you missed out on?  And more importantly, when you say yes something that takes you away from your goals, what are you saying no to instead?  I got a pretty good idea of that!

For years, I said yes to takeout lunches at the office. Another coworker and I used to order out for lunch; things like pasta and deep fried foods and lots of cookies and sandwiches.  I remember we used to get a lot from Noodles & Company, which I absolutely loved! The food was “sooo delicious” (eye roll) and they have a Rice Krispy Treat the size of slice of cake (which is as good as it looks, FYI!), so I said yes to the “yummy food” while not realizing I was saying no to my future trip to Disneyland.  In 2012, I went with two of my friends and did NOT enjoy myself, because it hurt to walk anywhere.  I spent most of the trip huffing and puffing and barely making it anywhere, and once I got where we were going, I’d have to sit down for 20 minutes to get my breath back and let my feet/ legs/ back stop hurting.  Most of the time, I sat and “watched the bags” while my friends went off to see a show, ride a ride or go shopping.  I was so embarrassed and felt awful for ruining their trip.  It was HELL!  That is what FOMO means to me.  When people talk about FOMO when they go out with friends for food or drinks, that trip is what I think about.  I said yes to easy lunches and yummy stuff and no to Disneyland with my friends.  I’d rather say no to the chips and appetizers and drinks and just enjoy the company rather than say no to our next outing: “Can I pass on the sweet potato fries so when we got to the Greek Food Festival, I can hit all the booths with you and not be gasping like a landed carp?” Missing out on time yakking and shopping and hanging out with my friends and family is so not worth whatever is going to taste yummy for two minutes and be forgotten in less. That’s the real FOMO.