Denial and Weight Loss: If You Don’t Admit It’s Broke, You Can’t Begin to Fix It!

We hear so much about denial and self help groups, it’s become cliche, which is really not a good thing.  It’s important to point it out when we see it, but at the same time, people have gotten good at denying their denial.  We get the “That’s denial!” phrase thrown at us so often, we don’t even hear it anymore or we come up with excuses for why we aren’t in denial, but there we are, still denying we have a problem, whatever that problem might be: “I’m okay, really!”

That’s what makes denial so important and so insidious.  One of the problems we regularly have at the office is our internet goes down.  It’s pretty obvious: we can’t get online so we call someone out to fix it, and it gets fixed.  That’s the easy part: the less obvious problem (at least to the boss) is that our ISP stinks! The boss doesn’t want to deal with changing providers because it’s a headache, so he puts up with spotty service. That’s where the denial comes in: by not admitting that our ISP is truly crummy, we are dealing with the recurring problem of no service at all.  Instead of fixing the real problem (crummy ISP), we are left dealing with the symptoms (no service).

One of the people I work with has serious knee problems.  She’s actually had both knees replaced and she’s having problems with recovering from the last surgery.  She’s remarked to me and her employer that she’s probably put on about “fifteen or twenty pounds” because she’s been so immobile due to the complications from her last surgery, which was last December, FYI.  I really had to bite my tongue.  She estimated her weight to be “about 265.  I just took a guess!”  I don’t know if my shock showed on my face.  In a way, I hope it did because then she might actually get on a scale to see how much she really does weigh.  I know how much I weigh; at last weigh-in a few weeks ago, I was about 255-260, and she looks like she outweighs me by about 70 lbs.  She actually looks like what I used to weigh most of my adult life: 375.

This is where most of us are when “we know we need to lose weight, but we aren’t that overweight. It’s not that bad!”  One of the phrases I hear in pretty much every episode of My 600 lb Life comes right after the patient steps on the scale for their first meeting with Dr. Nowzaradan: “I’m shocked”;  “I can’t believe I weigh this much”;  “I didn’t think it had gotten so bad”; or some variation of this. They knew they were obviously overweight but they were in denial over how out of control the situation really was.  There was one patient who refused to look at the number on the scale.  It sounds silly, but I understand it: I used to do the same thing. Every time I’d get on the scale for a check-up with my doctor, I would close my eyes so I wouldn’t see the digital readout right in front of my face.  Why? Easy! If I don’t see how much I weigh, I don’t have to admit it’s killing me and I don’t have to deal with the consequences of my eating! Yay for me! Except… it was agony living in denial.

I’m not exaggerating: it hurt to walk, to stand, to sit.  I was moving 375 lbs for most of my adult life every time I stood up, went to the grocery store, whenever I had to do anything!  For most of my life, even though I weighed so much, I was pretty mobile and there weren’t too many ‘inconveniences’ that went with my weight.  It wasn’t until I got over the 400 lb mark that it really began to take a toll, and when you gain weight at that size, you feel every pound you gain! But, if you don’t look at the number, if you don’t admit you ‘have a problem,’ you don’t have to deal with it.  It’s nothing you have to address right away.  You can ‘get by’ and deal with the symptoms rather than the real issue: your weight.

For me, these symptoms included things like high blood pressure, type 2 diabetes, arthritic knees and degenerative disc disease.  Dealing with the symptoms meant taking 6 prescriptions, two for each of these!  It meant sticking my finger at least once a day to check my blood sugar; it meant it hurt still hurt to walk, sit or stand, despite the pain medication and the anti-inflammatory.  Rather than deal with the issue of my weight and my eating choices, it was easier to pop a bunch of meds and live with the pain.  Except… it really wasn’t easier.

This is why denial is killing so many of the obese and super obese and those with eating-related health problems, like diabetes, high blood pressure, kidney and heart disease.  If you don’t admit you have a problem, then you can’t take steps to fix it.  You have to look at the problem in order to address it and move forward.  Closing your eyes so you don’t see the number keeps you right where you are: doing nothing and going nowhere.  The irony was that even as I closed my eyes, I knew why I was closing them, and I still did it! I knew I was in denial over my eating choices and my ever-increasing weight, but I still thought it was easier than having to face some hard realities.

For most of us, losing weight is really really hard.  It’s hard to make changes; it’s hard to know what’s the ‘right way’ or the ‘best way.’  We feel overwhelmed and hopeless because ‘nothing works’ and sooner or later, even if we have some success, we end up pretty close to where we started.  That’s the Reality we are trying to avoid facing and we opt for denial instead.  But the truth is that is not Reality.  Yes, losing weight involves making changes and not all of those changes are easy,  but taking action is normally not as hard as we think it will be. Making small improvements can yield some significant benefits. Feeling better physically and emotionally are huge rewards to start with, and any improvement is still improvement! For me, that one simple change was I just stopped eating fast food and I lost about 40 lbs! That was my reality and it was an easy fix.  For someone else it can be as simple as not drinking soda or not eating bagels for breakfast.

But we can’t make improvements, large or small, until we come face to face with the number on the scale.  We have to open our eyes first and admit that we have a problem and that dealing only with the symptoms isn’t going to fix it.  Until we admit that there’s a problem- that something is out of control- we can’t even begin to fix anything.  As an added benefit, just taking action, no matter how small, is a morale booster.  It gives us hope and a sense of control- we are doing something and we are open to suggestions! Now if only I can get my boss to admit our ISP is a problem……

 

Standing on Your Own Feet: Supporting Yourself on Your Weight Loss Journey

This topic is something of an offshoot of my last post about giving up, having a bad attitude and making excuses.  It’s a similar idea (making excuses) but this focus is more about supporting yourself, being your own motivation and being more independent.

It would be wonderful if the people in our lives were really supportive and helpful when it came to our losing weight and being more active.  This is the kind of thing where they go on a similar diet, or don’t bring the treats into the house and cover for us so you can make it to the gym instead of running the kids to soccer practice.  Yeah, it’d be great and while we’re dreaming, how about a new Range Rover?

Most of the people in our lives try to be as supportive as they can, as long as it’s not too much of an inconvenience for them, as in they try not to bring home a lot of junk food and they will run a couple of errands for us if we want to hit the gym, but rules like “Absolutely No Sugar in the House”? That’s not going to happen! It’s not fair to force your lifestyle on everyone else in your home.  If they’re all kids, then maybe it’s an option, but it still won’t be popular, and if there are other adults, you don’t have the right to make decisions for them, in my opinion.

Just as it can be a real hassle for them not having pizza as much as they want or not having ice cream in the freezer when they get the urge, it can be a real hassle for you when they bring home the leftover danish or bagels from their meeting or holiday party. It’s also a hassle when the family wants to go out to dinner and everyone votes for the buffet or the pasta place.  You’re stuck combing through the menu or the meal choices looking for something on your healthy eating plan and of course, there’s the breadsticks on the table just begging you to have one.

This is where a lot of people just give up and have a breadstick or the pasta or sample some of the potato salad and mac & cheese at the buffet, and of course the frozen yogurt!  Then when their weight loss slows, stops or goes backwards, “my family isn’t being supportive!” Maybe they are, maybe they aren’t, but it’s not their fault either.  Yes, it is much harder when you are constantly faced with temptation, but then we don’t live in a bubble either.  There’s temptation every time you stop for coffee at Starbucks, when you stop to get gas in your car, when you go grocery shopping and with the holidays, there’s always temptation in almost every breakroom or receptionist’s counter. It’d be nice to come home and not have to worry about another carbolicious sugar-filled treat staring you in the face, but again, it’s not your reality! You live with a family who likes those things and can eat them; you just have to be an independent adult and make your own decision: I am not going to eat those things right now.

Unless you are strapped to a chair being force-fed donuts and chocolates, you control what you put in your mouth, and if there isn’t a healthy option available where you are at the time, then choose not to eat!  I know it sounds weird, but it’s not.  You can always get something else later on. In fact, my boss (an attorney) was at a deposition at another office and rather than have everyone leave for lunch, the other office just had lunch brought in.  My boss opted not to eat because “they didn’t have anything I wanted,” so he stopped at one of his regular places and brought back a burrito bowl.  My boss isn’t on a diet.  He is quite active and normally eats pretty healthy.  Just because someone puts food in front of you or offers you something doesn’t mean you have to eat it.  I know it sounds harsh, but even if you are hungry and there’s nothing healthy or appealing to you readily available, it doesn’t mean you have to ‘eat something!’  One of Dr. Nowzaradan’s patients, James K., was bedridden at about 800 lbs and when Dr. Now scolded him for eating the junk food his girlfriend provided him, James’ answer was “well, I gotta eat something!” Dr. Now’s rather sharp retort was “No! You don’t! You’ve got an extra 600 lbs of food on your body already!”

However supportive or unsupportive your family and friends are, it’s all up to you whether you choose to eat healthy or not, whether you choose to stay motivated or not and whether you take responsibility for your own decisions or not.  Blaming your family, friends, coworkers, or whomever for your bad eating choices, your bailing on your workouts and activity or even your poor attitude still doesn’t earn you points.  As Dr. Now points out to his patients “when things get hard, you don’t get a pass!”

It’s really hard accepting responsibility for screwing up. It’s much easier being a helpless victim: you don’t have to do anything hard if you don’t want to; it’s always someone else’s fault and someone else’s responsibility. You’re at the mercy of what your family, friends or coworkers choose.  

It’s only easier if you don’t want to make progress and you just want an excuse not to be healthier or you want to keep eating junk. Change is hard. Taking responsibility is hard. Being independent is super hard: you have to be ready to work and depend on yourself. That means if your family doesn’t want to eat healthy, you make your own food or go get it yourself. It means rescheduling your workout if something else interferes and then keeping that appointment! It’s not easy telling yourself that you can do hard things. It can really be difficult to know how or even what to do, especially if you’re used to depending on others. The good news is that the more independent you become, the easier it gets. The bad news is there will be screw ups. It’s part of the learning curve but the experience is truly priceless. So is the independence. When you stand on your own feet, you’re the one who gets to decide which way to go. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

You Don’t Get a Points for Giving Up: You Are the Author of Your Attitude 

When I tell people that My 600 lb Life is my version of a 12 step meeting, they usually think I’m joking. I’m not. Watching it multiple times a week (I have OnDemand) keeps me connected to my goals and it reinforces my choices. Sometimes it pretty much smacks me upside the head with my own bad behavior or gives me a heads up about where I’m headed.

Recently I was watching Erica’s story and I was reminded that not only are we the only ones who can make the decision to eat healthier, but we can make our weight loss as hard or as easy as we choose. It begins with our attitude and if our attitude sucks, it’s going to be a long hard battle and the odds are stacked against us before we ever begin.

Erica’s family (in my opinion) had a lot to do with her bad attitude. The only supportive members of her family were her mother who passed away and her niece. Her brother was fairly indifferent and her sister was a downright b*tch. Her siblings’ attitude seemed to be that “you ate your way to 661 lbs so it’s your problem. You fix it!” As far as her family was concerned, she’s an embarrassment, ‘mentally ill,’ and a failure: “She’s never succeeded before so I don’t think she’ll succeed this time.” Her dad’s response to her weight gain: “my beautiful little girl went to sleep one night and woke up Godzilla.” In one breath her sister tells her she needs to do something to get better but in the next offers her no help at all and mocks her.

When you’ve been told you’re a waste of space most of your life, it becomes ingrained in your psyche. I’ll never forget my mom telling me what a disappointment I was to her since she’d intended to retire at 50 and live off her children but that wasn’t happening! My only consolation was that my sister (the Chosen One) was also a failure in that regard.  I’ve continued to be a failure by not having children, which was probably the sanest decision I’ve made in my life (I don’t dare trust her with my dog). As a result of my mom’s attitude towards me, I spent a great part of my childhood and adolescence wondering what the hell was wrong with me. It wasn’t until I was in my late teens that I realized she was the problem, not me. I also realized that if it weren’t for my dad & his side of my family reinforcing the idea that I was okay and she was the one who was screwed up, I might never have come to the realization that there isn’t anything ‘wrong’ with me!

Erica unfortunately never seemed to have anyone other than her mother telling her that she wasn’t a failure and an embarrassment, and this makes her attitude one of her biggest obstacles to weight loss.  Basically, no one expects her to succeed and no one wants to help her so why should she even try if she’s already hopeless?  I think if it weren’t for her own imminent fear of dying from her obesity, she wouldn’t have tried at all.  This feeling of failure- that “I’m a waste of space and everyone would be happier if I weren’t here anymore”- is a huge stumbling block when it comes to motivation and overcoming obstacles. I know it sounds a little cheesy, but truly if you don’t believe in yourself, you aren’t going to make it!

So is it surprising that when faced her sister’s angry condescending attitude (I’m here helping you, aren’t I?!) Erica just gives up?  This is her attitude when she comes up against almost any obstacle: this is too hard; I don’t know if I can do this; some days I really just want to give up!  The fact that she succeeds as well as she does is frankly amazing to me.

The one thing her sister says that I do agree with is when she tells Erica “so you thought this would be easy?”  Changing your eating habits is way harder than people think it’s going to be.  On the surface, it looks easy: switch out the potatoes for Brussels sprouts; don’t eat ice cream; eat more healthy veggies; switch the soda for water.  It really looks as easy as changing your shirt, but when it comes down to making the changes, it’s more problematic.  A spoonful of mashed potatoes won’t hurt; a scoop of ice cream once in a while isn’t that bad; one piece of candy, one soda; I’m tired of vegetables… It’s part of a multi-layered pattern of behavior and when we change one part, we have to change another part whether we like it or not.  Sticking to the changes long enough for them to become part of the new healthy habit is the hardest part.  We like ‘end dates’ and healthy living has no end date.

This is the second biggest obstacle to changing your eating habits.  Actually making those changes is the first, but sticking to them is the second.  We feel like we’re looking down a lifetime of no more cake, no more french fries, no more crackers and see only a lifetime of steamed broccoli and chicken breast ahead of us.  It can be pretty bleak! This is where some of us will manufacture our own obstacles to get out of sticking with the healthy eating habits.  We go looking for an excuse to give up: “I couldn’t do my walking today because it’s raining outside;” “I couldn’t go to my exercise class because I got stuck in traffic;” “There weren’t any healthy options at the buffet, so I had to have the potato salad and chicken nuggets.”

I’m sure this will come as no surprise to most of us but we don’t get points or a pass for giving up. This is another place where our attitude is either our biggest ally or our biggest problem: when we truly encounter a problem, we either fight it, find a way around it or we give up.  Giving up is way easier, or at least it looks like it is. Giving up means you keep living the way you are living, with painful knees and joints, with clothes that don’t fit right, being hungry all the time, having a hard time fitting in chairs, cars, or any public seating, and generally being self-conscious whenever you are out in the public.  And if our attitude is “I’m already a failure so why should I even try since I’m just going to screw this up too?” we are not only fighting whatever obstacle we encounter, we are fighting ourselves as well.

We don’t have to be unrealistically positive in our attitude (“I can do this! I can do anything! Yay!”) but we don’t have to automatically assume we’re going to fall flat on our faces either.  Trying our best, focusing on the solution rather than the problem, and if we can’t make our goal, getting as close as we can are not failures! We do get progress points for trying our best and those points come in the form of experience, confidence and a few lessons learned for next time.

Change is damned hard, and when you’re having to fight yourself along with everything else, you’re fighting with one hand tied behind your back. You can be your best ally or your biggest problem. Haven’t we all got more than enough problems to go around without giving ourselves one more?

 

 

 

 

 

 

Holiday Cheer and Weight Loss

For those of you in the USA, next Thursday is Thanksgiving.  It’s a time to get together with family and eat until we pass out on the sofa in front of the football game and/ or Macy’s Parade.  Usually, if you are trying to lose weight, you don’t know if you should dread all the food you know you’re going to eat (or at least want to) or if you’re going to use the holiday as an excuse to eat until your belt has to come off.

I am not going to make this easy for you: it’s your decision and there is no ‘wrong’ choice.  Despite what others have to say, there is no Food Police and whatever you decide to eat or not eat, you won’t be given demerits or extra credit points.  There’s no bonus for saying no to the pumpkin pie or the stuffing.

I will give you my own best advice, having faced a few of these holidays while trying to lose weight, and my best advice is this: eat what you know you won’t regret! I know it sounds like a cop out, but really this whole ‘healthy eating thing’ we’re trying to do isn’t something we just do ‘sometimes’ or when we feel like we’re having a good day.  This really is a lifestyle, so it means eating without guilt (remember no Food Police!) It also means we eat the same way (or we should) whether others are watching or not.  We’ve all done the sneak-eating, where we hope no one notices the box of Chips Ahoy is missing and that we ate all or most of them!  What we eat is completely our business! Our bodies, our health, our food! Please understand that I am not telling you to take the deep dish apple pie off the buffet and eat the whole thing , although if you want to, you can.  I am just wondering if you will regret it on Friday, because I know I would!  I am telling you that having a piece of pie or cake or stuffing or whatever you choose is not a reason to beat yourself up, if you want it and will not regret it later!  That’s pretty much the operative phrase here: if you won’t regret it.  The caveat to this whole idea of regret is pretty much basic Cause and Effect.  Everything you eat has an effect on your body, your health, weight and your goals.  It’s that savvy shopper rule: you get what you pay for!  If you don’t mind paying for the stuffing, yams with marshmallows, pumpkin pie and carrot cake with all the aftereffects of roller coaster blood sugar, cravings and hunger and maybe a weight stall or even a gain, then that’s your business.  You are prepared to pay for what you ate, you enjoyed it and you aren’t sorry, so don’t let anyone try guilting you over your choices.

However, it you are trying to bargain your way out of the cost, such as things like “I won’t eat anything the day before/ after Thanksgiving,” you may be out of luck! It’s a lot harder to go without to make up for bingeing, and usually it doesn’t work.  Unless you’ve been fasting for a while, it’s hard to make it through the initial couple of days especially if you don’t know what pitfalls to look out for and usually by the time the holiday arrives, you’re STARVING and end up eating way more than feels good.  (FYI: if you do want to try legitimate fasting, read Dr. Jason Fung’s book The Complete Guide to Fasting or google the “Intensive Dietary Management Program”.) The trick isn’t to swing from one end of the spectrum to the other: the key is stay fairly consistent.  As in, I might eat a couple of things not normally on my menu for the holiday, but I’m not going nuts over the carrot cake!

I think Mark Sisson made a great point in his interview on the Primal Potential podcast when he said most Americans think in terms of “how much can I eat without gaining weight?”  This is pretty much how we view Thanksgiving: how much can I wolf down before it’s too much?  I know there is no Food Police, but this is the same idea we have with a lot of things (like money!) that really gets us into trouble.  I used to see the same idea on billboards for my gym all the time: “I work out because: [fill in the blank]” and it’s usually been ‘filled in’ with a phrase such as “I like four cheese pizza!”  I understand that ideation really well.  I used to eat most of a medium thick crust loaded pizza and bread stick and wings on a fairly regular basis.  And, no, I didn’t work out then.  And pretty much every time I looked at the two or three pieces of pizza left over in the fridge, I’d either feel guilty that I ate so much of it or I’d try congratulating myself on not eating ALL of it!  That is not the best mindset to view what you eat! Unfortunately, this is how most of view the holidays: “well, at least I didn’t eat all the [insert holiday treat here]!”

I am going to give you some good advice if you are feeling nervous going into the holidays.  Stay away from appetizers or snacks that are just fast carbs or sugar.  At my relative’s house, there’s always a huge bowl of chips and dip, but there’s usually a veggie tray too.  I stick with the veggies: they are more filling, fewer calories (if minimal dip) and more nutritious.  I also stick with the veggies and the meats at the meal: not a lot of yams, or potatoes, and more of the salad or roasted veggies and the turkey.  I do a spoonful of stuffing and maybe a spoonful of macaroni salad.  I also say no to the bread, because usually they’re store-bought heat and serve rolls (not worth it to me).  As for dessert, if there is something I want to try, I do a small slice or serving.  The key is to enjoy the food, not feel like it’s put me in a coma! It is also 100% okay to say no to anything on the table or anything you are offered!

If we want to be successful over the coming holidays, we need to eat without guilt or shame or excuses. If we want to eat the pie, then eat the pie- as long as you know what you are prepared to pay for it! If it’s more important to you to lose a couple more pounds before Christmas or New Year’s, then don’t eat the pie.  You know you will regret it when you put on that special outfit for the holiday and it’s too tight or doesn’t look as good as you want it to.  If you feel okay paying that price, then don’t feel guilty about what you ate or didn’t eat.  It’s also okay not to eat everything on your plate! Sometimes, especially at holidays, we serve ourselves too much or someone else is too generous with the food.  It’s okay to say it’s too much, or take some home or to leave it behind (here, kitty, kitty!) There’s no law that says we need to binge or we need to deny ourselves. Remember- no Food Police! No guilt, no excuses, no shame! Eat what you feel good about eating, either because you want to celebrate the holiday or you are okay paying the price for it! Your body, your health- your rules!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Burdens, Blessings, Obstacles and Opportunities: Using Them to Your Best Advantage in Weight Loss

I know from experience that when most of us begin making healthy changes to our lifestyles, or even just start planning on these changes, we are met right away with burdens and obstacles.  It’s like the world, Fate or the Universe is plotting to keep us fat and unhealthy!  Even though we know that’s not the truth, there’s a lot of days when it sure feels like it!

Then there’s just the whole matter of logistics: family members, work schedules, school schedules, and every day annoyances like meetings, luncheons, conferences, traffic and the always popular seasonal parties.  How do we integrate our plan for healthy choices in the middle of all we have going on? Most of us try to work it in for a few days or a few weeks and then collapse under the burden of all our obstacles.  “There’s just too much getting in the way!”  Sometimes, the Universe wins despite all our best plans!  The tricks I’ve found are: 1) not to be discouraged; and 2) how to turn a ‘burden’ into a ‘blessing.’

I am certainly no philosopher or theologian, but through my reading and my Liberal Arts education, I’ve learned a few things.  One of the books I had to read in college was the Teachings of Chuang Tzu, a 3rd Century Taoist philosopher.  It’s definitely what I refer to as a ‘sponge book,’ meaning when you read a parable, it probably won’t make sense to you right away- you have to let it soak in.  Gradually, you begin to understand the meaning.  It’s a difficult philosophy to get through and unfortunately, our professor began his course (Humanities) with that book.  Our class went from about 50 to about 20 in a few short weeks.  But the overall gist of his teachings on the Tao is, in my opinion, not that different from Stoicism (the Greco-Roman philosophy with the capital S) or Zen Buddhism: we are all part of the One and until we learn to accept that, we will always be unhappy.

That doesn’t mean that we just have to accept that we will always be fat, unhappy and unhealthy.  It means we have to find ways to make what looks like a burden or an obstacle be a blessing to us instead.  Believe me, I am certainly not one of those happy little “turn that frown upside down” perky people!  Most of my Disney stuff has either Grumpy, Eeyore or Donald Duck on it- not the happy campers! But, basically, if sh*t happens, I can either wallow in it, or find a way out of it (this is Trick #2). Example: I commute 2 hours every morning and every evening five days a week.  Essentially, all those fitness gurus who say “move every hour” are wasting their breath on me during my commute because I’ve got at least 20 hours a week on my butt in my car.  I can either use that as an obstacle or an excuse not to exercise or lose weight, or I can find a way to use it to my advantage.  So, all those podcasts that I listen to? You got it- in the car either on the way to work or on the way home! The same with audiobooks or just to de-stress either by listening to a favorite playlist or using my Bluetooth to catch up with friends.  And yes, I realize the irony of de-stressing while stuck in traffic.  That’s the other trick: traffic, like sh*t, happens! I can either freak out about it or just accept it as part of life! My current boss is pretty sanguine about it- I am usually more irritated by being late than he is, but either way, my freaking out isn’t going to change the flow of traffic and all it’s going to do is raise my anxiety and blood pressure.

If you listen to someone like Chuang Tzu, when we have something that looks like a burden or an obstacle, changing our perspective changes the obstacle itself.  Many of my friends groan when they think of my commute, but to me, it’s an opportunity.  Seriously, without being ‘trapped in the car for so many hours,’ when would I find the time to listen to podcasts and audiobooks?  I’d have to find it somewhere else in my week! This situation is perfect for it! Not a lot else that I can do in the car but listen!

The same is true for one of the most common complaints I hear: ‘no one else in my family wants to eat healthy!’ Awesome!! Seriously, when we live alone like me, I don’t have any of those temptations in my house unless I bring them in. Don’t want them tempting you? Don’t buy them! Then we go out to a conference and there are those evil bagels daring me not to eat them! It’s hard, because I don’t face that temptation at home.  When you are constantly looking at your kids’ chips or spouse’s ice cream or garlic bread, then you get used to seeing all the foods that aren’t on your healthy diet and even more important, you get used to not-eating them! Their siren song of “eat me!” fades away because you have stopped listening to it- you are stronger than the garlic bread, ice cream, chips or bagels.  The key of course is not-eating them, which does take some strength to start out, just like it takes some strength for me not to put them in my cart at the store (“I can have one and give the rest to my dad/ sister/ friends”- riiiight!! Not happening!!) The trick is to look at this obstacle as practice.  If you face these temptations every day at home, the pizza at the work luncheon is no match for you!

The other trick is not getting discouraged when you either give in to temptation or something gets in the way of your success.  In other words, those times when the Universe wins.  In my case, the Universe won recently: I usually have a water aerobics class on Mondays and I got stuck on Sunday (my prep day) helping my mom, so I planned on going grocery shopping after my Monday class.  Those were my best-laid plans upon which the Universe wrought its usual havoc. I ended up working an hour and a half later than usual, due to delays at court and with clients, so I figured I’d missed my workout class, but then thanks to traffic (yay?), I ended up getting home even later still: those two hours took three and grocery shopping at 7:30 p.m. was really not appealing.  I opted for the healthiest fast food I could get: grilled chicken and coleslaw- yay…. The trick is that yes, the Universe won on Monday, but Monday is one day.  It’s not the rest of my life! (at least I hope not!)  The key is to make more healthy decisions that unhealthy ones.  One bad day or one bad week should not be the end of your healthy plan! I didn’t get to be 438 lbs by eating one bad fast food dinner at Jack in the Box; it was a pattern of bad choices that built upon itself and resulted in my being miserably unhealthy.  My choices are give up and be unhealthy and unhappy and fat, or keep the faith and try for better.  Even when the Universe wins.  Even when it feels like the deck is stacked against me (hey, 438?!?)  Even if it’s just as simple as taking a seeming failure (“I had biscuits with my chicken and coleslaw! Ugh!”) and using it as a teaching tool for you not to do it again (those stomach cramps during the night? think it was from the flour in the biscuits?? Hello!!)

There are a lot of Motivational Gurus who like to use phrases like “be the captain of your destiny” to encourage you to ‘be in control.’  While I think it’s really motivational, I also think it’s setting you up for a big fall.  A lot of ‘your destiny’ has to do with things that happen around you and to you.  A big part of my outlook and my weight loss success is accepting there are things in my life that are in my control and as for everything else, all I can do is control my reaction.  Like Monday, when I realized I was not going to get off work in time to make my class, when I realized I was stuck in traffic and was getting home way later than I thought- I could have gotten angry, I could have had a tantrum and what would I have gained by that? Just stress and anxiety! I’ve got enough of both of those in my life and I sure don’t need to make any more for myself! It happened, so I made the best I could out of my situation (although I did get a bit snippy at the car in the drive thru ahead of me at 7:30! And that didn’t get me anything either!)

Seriously, it’s taken me a really really long time (like forty-plus years!) to realize that not getting angry at the Universe is an option and it’s not admitting defeat.  It’s simply changing strategies.  There’s an obstacle in your way? Go around it! I can gripe and whine and b*tch about spending 20 hours a week in the car and it won’t change my situation; it’ll just make me tense and upset and angry. What can I do that’s productive while I’m in the car? I can listen to something informative or enjoyable- problem solved! It’s not an obstacle anymore; I made it an opportunity instead!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Jumping Through Hoops: There’s Always a Loophole!

Most of us are used to things like paperwork, phone trees and red tape: nothing is ever simple anymore! Calling an agency to get a stupid fax number means giving out your name, your number and whatever ‘file’ or ‘reference’ number you’re ‘calling about’!  Seriously??  “I’m calling to get a dang fax number!! As soon as you get the dang fax, you’ll know what this is about!!”

The truth is that ‘modern life’ is full of different kinds of stressors and hassles and it’s a never-ending drama.  As soon as one problem resolves itself, another pops up.  Welcome to the Real World!  While we all know this, we usually don’t deal with it very well when it comes to weight loss, eating healthy and working out.  We use reality and its issues as excuses to blow off the healthy meal choice, the workout schedule or losing weight: “I can’t deal with one more thing today- it’ll have to wait until tomorrow/ next week/ after the holidays.”

Okay…so when exactly are you not going to have ‘something going on?’  Here’s my Real Life example: my mother had major back surgery the first week of August (it is now the middle of November) and since then has been in a convalescent hospital.  My dad (who is her retired ex-husband) has been visiting her every other day, mainly to shuttle her stuff back and forth between her house and the hospital and pick up her mail.  It also means he’s been caring for her dogs those days.  The days he doesn’t come (he lives 75 miles away), I’ve been going to her house to care for her dogs and bring in her mail.  I work five days a week with a 4 hour commute round trip; I work out three days a week and on the weekends, I spend a half day Saturdays and Sundays at her house to give her dogs some outside time and some people time.  This means I’m usually leaving for work around 6:45 a.m. (normal time) but I’m getting home around 8:00 p.m. which is not normal, even on workout nights!  In addition to my job, her dogs and my work out schedule, I also have my own pets and my own errands (like vehicle maintenance, grooming appointments and oh yeah a personal life?)  So right in the middle of this mess, my car decides to break down for the second time in less than a month, which means I had to borrow my sister’s car- so grateful!! But mine took a week to get repaired, mainly due to the incompetence of the repair shop.  As a result, I missed one workout because I was getting my car towed, and I missed the following day’s workout because we thought my mom was getting out of the hospital and we had to pick up her belongings.  By the time we realized that wasn’t happening, I’d missed my class! This past Monday, still driving my sister’s car, I showed up at my gym for my workout class only to realize my membership tag was on my car keys. In the shop with my car! GRRR!!! Luckily, my gym has an app with my ‘card’ on it, so I was able to make it to that class at least!

The point isn’t that I’ve got a buttload of excuses not to make my workouts, not to prepare a healthy dinner (at 8:00 p.m.) and plenty of excuses to eat fast food and lay around the house ‘resting.’  I’ve got great ‘reasons’ to ‘worry about my goals later.’  The point is that if I just decided to ‘take a break’ from my goals and go back to working out and eating healthy after my mom gets home from the hospital, I’d’ve been waiting for three months already! “Let me put my goals on hold for a quarter of the year, and counting!”

The point is that life is always this way!  It’s kind of how life works: we do what we want in spite of the real world! Believe me, I’m not some superwoman; there are a few nights where I blew off my cardio class to go home and go to bed (like at 7:30 p.m.)! I figured if I were too dang tired to make it to my workout, then I was at least going to do something productive and get some much needed sleep! Although I think it was a better decision that further exhausting myself, I am still not happy about it, mainly because the cardio class is only 8 sessions and it’s not included in my gym membership (where I can show up at the pool to do a workout on my own).

I admit that my weight loss has suffered, mainly because stress and lack of sleep really get in the way.  There have also been some holiday-related treats which probably would have happened without the added stress as an excuse to splurge. The point I am trying to make is that we need to fight for our goals despite what life throws at us.  It’s okay to pick your battles, like when I opted to go home to bed rather than making my cardio class.  I had to ask myself which would be more benefit to me, and honestly, I still think I was a little lazy, even though I pretty much fell asleep as soon as I got into bed! As for waiting until the craziness to stop? I’d be waiting forever! My goals are important to me and I know it’s going to take work to get there, even without the nutty schedule I’ve got right now.

The point I’m trying to reinforce is that if we want to find an excuse or a ‘reason’ to do or not do something, we will always find it.  There will always be something that’s ‘not convenient,’ such as working late, being sick, having a lot of errands, feeling stressed, or just not ‘feeling like it.’  I know at the pool, the classes have been getting smaller and smaller, partly I am sure due to the colder weather, and partly because of the upcoming holidays.  People are busy and that’s their choice, but if you claim you are ‘working hard’ towards your goals, then why are you letting excuses get in your way?

There are a lot of people, including some of my friends, who look at how busy my life is and tell me that I’m entitled to take a day off.  I think they’re right, especially since the last time I let myself get run down, I caught a cold.  I also know that skipping my classes doesn’t make me feel better- it adds to my stress because ‘now I missed a workout!’  I’d rather make my workout, do something I enjoy doing with people I like and feel better mentally and physically.  If my workouts don’t make me feel better, then I am not going to do them, and neither should you! I chose these classes because I like how they make me feel- getting the exercise and building strength are bonuses to me.  They are what I want to do and what I would be doing with my time if Real Life weren’t getting in my way, so they are not a sacrifice or a burden- they are my ‘fun time.’

I’ve heard it said that we make the time for things that are important to us, and I believe that is true.  One of my all-time favorite quotes is from Thomas Paine: “what we obtain too cheap, we esteem too lightly.” I remind myself of that often.  If it didn’t cost us anything, then we don’t value it enough.  That’s why I make the time for workouts and for eating healthy.  Getting this far has been a lot of work and effort and throwing it away to eat chips and burgers and other junk food is simply not an option for me.  Finding workout classes that I enjoy was more effort and time as well as money, so throwing those away aren’t options either! These things- my health and my happiness- are important to me, which is why I will be driving to the gym after work and then driving to my mom’s to feed and play with the dogs and then driving home to throw together a salad and reheating rotisserie chicken for the hundredth time! (FYI: not taking care of her dogs is also not an option!) I worked hard to get here, and I’m not going to hop through some ‘excuse loophole’ to cheat myself out of my hard work!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A Variety of Hobgoblins: Consistency Doesn’t Have to Be Boring!

One of the quotes I used to hear a lot is the “consistency is the hobgoblin of small minds”  by Ralph Waldo Emerson (the complete quote actually says “a foolish consistency”).  I think most people use it to mean getting stuck in a rut is easier than thinking of solutions all day.  Why use your brain all day long when you can follow the same little track?  In other words, consistency is for boring stupid people.  Remember, “variety is the spice of life!”

You can see the problem when it comes to weight loss: we are constantly being told by others to be consistent when it comes to our healthy eating habits, and we are constantly (consistently??) being told by others that we need variety in our lives to keep us from getting bored with the ‘healthy stuff.’  Some of the complaints I hear a lot is that ‘healthy food doesn’t taste so great’ and ‘I get bored fast eating healthy.’  I’m not going to lie: I can eat the same thing over and over again and rarely get bored with it, and it doesn’t matter if it’s the ‘healthy stuff’ or not.  I used to eat the same Jack in the Box meal night after night, and that’s just one example.  It has nothing to do with how yummy or not-yummy something is; for me, it’s usually how hungry or not-hungry I am and whether I ‘want to eat’ or not. So, for me, while I understand what they mean, it’s never been much of a problem for me.

The exception was processed foods vs whole foods.  The more processed a food is, the more chemicals and ‘flavor boosters’ it has in it.  These foods are designed to keep you eating more of them by being ‘highly palatable.’  That’s a nice way of saying they are addictive (‘betcha can’t eat just one!’) So when you taste something that’s processed, it never tastes like something made from a whole food.  I recently saw a salsa taste test on America’s Test Kitchen where the tester tried to fool the host: along with the sample of jarred processed salsas for her to taste was a homemade sample made right there in the test kitchen. It tasted different, obviously (she used the word ‘fresh’ to describe it).  What she wasn’t tasting were all the chemicals and preservatives used in the jarred salsa to keep it from spoiling or to ‘boost the flavor.’  For me, when I stopped eating processed foods and started eating more whole foods, the blandness was the most noticeable change.  Although I knew why it tasted blander and was kind of expecting it, it was still an adjustment. However, eating more whole and nutrient dense foods was more important to me than just taste, so I stuck with it.  I was boringly consistent!

And it paid off! In that first year, I lost almost 100 lbs by not starving myself, not exercising myself to death (hardly exercised at all, really!) and by not eating ‘weird diet food.’ I simply stopped eating high carb processed foods for more low carb whole foods (veggies).  In that first year, I stopped two diabetes medications and in the second year I stopped my hypertension medication too!  Still not killing myself with exercise or starving or eating weird diet food! Being healthy and losing weight has more to do with giving your body the right nutrition rather than counting calories or macros or killing yourself with kettlebells.  Eating real nutrient dense food instead of something that comes in a box or a can or a powder will do more for your weight loss than doing seven workouts a week!

When it came to eating healthy food, I was boringly consistent (that hobgoblin is now my pet!) and I used it to my advantage. I ate a lot of the same kinds of foods over and over again: things like spinach, salad greens, shredded cabbage, broccoli, brussels sprouts (not so much cauliflower) and a lot of different unprocessed meats like roasted chicken, beef, lamb, and pork.  On weekends, it’s a lot of bacon or sausage and eggs for breakfast.  So while it may look pretty boring, I do spice it up with what I like! I used to make my own simple salad dressing: balsamic or apple cider vinegar, olive or avocado oil and Trader Joes 21 Seasoning Salute or any other spice blend that I like.  (Now, honestly I use mainly Primal Kitchen brand salad dressings because they are made with avocado oil.)  I also make my own spice blend for my meats. I sprinkle on a mix of garlic powder, onion powder, salt, pepper, curry powder and sometimes a little red pepper flakes.  Trader Joes just came out with a garlic salt blend that works pretty good too!  As for the salads, I add in things like avocados, onions (green, red or white), peppers of all colors, sprouts, radishes, carrot shreds, heirloom tomatoes and anything else that looks good in the produce department!

Another thing happened while I was being boringly consistent with healthy eating choices: when I tasted the processed foods I used to enjoy so much, they just tasted weird to me.  When I started eating whole foods, I noticed the absence of all those chemicals in the natural foods, but when I ate the processed foods again, I could really taste them!  And it wasn’t just ‘fake cherry flavor’ that I was tasting: I was tasting all the chemicals and additives they put in during processing.  It’s as if all those ‘flavor boosters’ are there to hide the chemical taste in the food.  It doesn’t taste good to me anymore, which makes it easier to give up.  Remember when you were a kid and the first time you tasted coffee or beer and you probably made a face or spit it out? “Why do grownups drink that yuck?!” Because grownups get used to the taste! Just like we get used to the taste of the sugary sweet jarred pasta sauce and the fake mapley taste in the fake maple syrup (personally, I used the real stuff when I made pancakes- another acquired taste!)

While my menus may look like the same boring thing night after night (“I had salad and rotisserie chicken again last night”), there is quite a lot of variety in there!  Think about it: long before people began processing food in factories, all their foods were ‘whole foods’ and we developed as many different ways of cooking it as there are people on the planet! If you are tired of Mexican, how about Chinese? Tired of Chinese? Then how about Moroccan? That plain piece of beef can be Italian, Indonesian, or Southwestern! Whole foods don’t have to be boring, unless you want them to be.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“YOU Have to Want This”: Weight Loss, Mindset & Motivation

I know this sounds like a stupidly obvious statement, but remember the last time you did something because someone (most likely someone important to you) told you that you should do it? So you did it, but maybe you didn’t do it very well or you didn’t like doing it? We all know what it’s like doing something when our heart just isn’t in it, and sometimes that makes it ten times harder than it has to be.  I remember not too long ago, I went over to a friend’s party and I had been looking forward to it when I agreed to go, but then everything in between got really busy and I was pretty fried by the date of the party and really, all I wanted to do was stay home and catch up on some other things.  But… my friends were really looking forward to my being there and I didn’t want to disappoint them, and I told myself it’d be fun once I got there, so I went.  It wasn’t a disaster but it seemed to last forever and when I got home, I was even more tired than before.  It was pretty much my one ‘free day’ out of my weekend, since Sunday is usually ‘prep for the week’ day.  I went to please my friends but if it had been up to me, I’d’ve just stayed home.

And that’s the thing: it was up to me.  I’m sure my friends would have understood even though they’d have been disappointed, but I didn’t want to disappoint them.  It was fun, though probably not as relaxing as lying on the sofa reading a book or working a puzzle or just playing with the dog.  It made for a long day and a short weekend, which made the following week a little longer than it should have been.  The point is that since my heart wasn’t in it, it was harder than it had to be, and that was a party!  Imagine doing something that’s pretty hard to start with, like losing weight and being healthier.  Now imagine that your heart isn’t in it.  So what do you think your success rate is going to be?

The problem is that when it comes to losing weight, we all think it’s what we want to do.  Surely no one in their right mind wants to be fat and unhealthy! Right?? But when it comes to weight loss, it’s not as simple as that.  “Of course I want to lose weight! Why would I want to be fat?!?” If weight loss were as simple as changing your shirt or cutting your hair or even just having the bariatric surgery, we would probably all do it without a second thought (well, maybe a second thought about the surgery), but the truth of the matter is that it is damn hard because it’s not just one thing we have to change.  It’s not just “don’t eat donuts” and we lose weight, or “get a gym membership” and we lose weight.  Even when it comes to the surgery, anyone who has seen My 600 lb Life has heard Dr. Nowzaradan tell his patients that without controlling their eating habits, the surgery will be wasted.  Weight loss isn’t just changing one thing: it’s changing nearly our entire lifestyle.  It’s a complex network of changes that need to be made and many of them depend on each other.

It’s not like dominos, where if one falls the whole network falls apart, but rather it’s like navigation. If you verge off course by one degree, the longer you travel, the farther off course you are going to be, and eventually you will be totally lost.  That ‘one degree’ will become 10 or 20 degrees in a very short amount of time.  You can still get back on course once you realize where you went off track, but it will take some time to get back to where you were before you ‘went one degree off.’ We’ve all done this: we’re ‘eating healthy’ but then it’s someone’s birthday (or something else that’s ‘special’) so we treat ourselves to a Forbidden Food and we tell ourselves, it’s just one time, but then a couple days later, we have something else that’s special and then we maybe have a little more of something ‘healthy’ than we should or we feel like munching in the evening even though we aren’t hungry after dinner and then a couple weeks later we look at the dinner on our plate or the scale or our ‘fat pants’ are tight again, and we ask ourselves ‘what happened to my diet?’ The bad decisions- the being off course one degree- builds on itself the same way the good decisions do.  It’s because weight loss- and weight gain- are all interwoven into our lifestyle, and that’s what makes them so hard to change.  If it were as easy as “don’t eat donuts,” we could all lose weight without thinking about it!

This is why we really have to want to lose weight.  It’s a helluva lot of work to change one habit- there’s an entire industry geared to help us do that, and when it comes to losing weight, eating healthier and being more active, we have to incorporate healthy new habits while getting rid of the bad unhealthy habits. We are changing our behaviors left and right, and to do both those things successfully (because we all know how to do them badly!), we have to change the way we think about food, eating and activity, and that means it’s a whole lotta work! Therefore, if your heart isn’t in it, if you’re only doing it because someone you love said you ‘should’ do, if you do not really want this for yourself, YOU WILL FAIL.  Please understand that just because you fail at this doesn’t mean that you don’t really want it- it doesn’t mean that there’s something wrong with you or you have some kind of subconscious self-destructive streak.  It just means you probably took the wrong approach or you took on too much at once, but if you do not want to make these changes for yourself, then you don’t have the motivation you need to get started on a pretty big and difficult project, and you won’t have the drive to stick with this project, because it is a Project.  It’s not a ‘diet,’ and it’s not temporary.  Being overweight and unhealthy is the result of that being one degree off course: it’s the result of a long series of food and lifestyle choices.  One degree + one degree + one degree + one degree over 40+ years = 438 lbs + bad knees + type 2 diabetes.  Correcting that course is done pretty much the same way: one good choice + more good choices + years of making those same good choices.  It’s not “don’t eat donuts” only on Tuesdays or only until the end of the year: it’s “don’t eat donuts” every day for the foreseeable future.  It means you have to keep making the course corrections every day all the time wherever you are, and that is work.  We’ve all agreed to ‘be good’ because Someone Important wants you to be healthier, but how many of us have been out with friends and mumbled ‘don’t tell my Someone Important’ as we stuff pizza or chips in our mouth?  Just because they don’t see you eat the Forbidden Food doesn’t mean that your body ignores it; it just means the Someone Important won’t scold you for eating it.  ‘Not getting caught’ does not equal success at weight loss and nutrition.  Success comes from not-eating the chips and pizza and choosing the vegetables and healthy options instead. If we really want it and we are committed to making those changes, we will get the success we want. It means we have to become the Someone Important when it comes to making these changes.  We are the ones who are telling ourselves not to eat the Junior Mints or the chips and we have to remember to bring our gym bag because we are going to the spin class tonight and we have to go for a walk at lunch time rather than sitting at our desk and shopping online.

The things that are important to us- the things we really want- are what drive our behavior and our decisions.  They keep us focused on our goals; they keep us on course to where we want to go. It means we have to do the hard work making changes all the time, not just when it suits us or someone else is watching.  If we really want it and we are really committed to it, then we put in the hard work because the goal is worth it to us.  There is a nice little bonus to putting in all the heavy lifting that goes with making all the lifestyle changes, and it’s not just that we reach our goals: it’s that the more we make the everyday changes, the easier they become! And sometime, long before we reach our goals, we realize that all that hard work isn’t really work anymore!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Victimology, Circumstance & Weight Loss

I’m an old ‘true crime’ junkie and I’m pretty sure it shows in a lot of ways.  One of the things I’ve learned through years of books, documentaries and a variety of police procedural shows is that the study of the victim (victimology) usually has its merits.  “What made this victim attractive to the perpetrator?”

But when it comes to weight loss, obesity is no more a ‘perpetrator’ than life itself.  Unfortunately, too many of us who are obese feel like victims.  That’s bad enough, especially when we are the real victims of verbal abuse and ridicule, but there are those who embrace the role of the victim.  They love playing the part.  When we are the victim of a crime, we are innocent victims– someone did something to us and we were helpless to stop them.   In most of life’s circumstances, like a mugging or a car accident, this is totally true.  We were on our way to Target and some guy runs the red light and now we have broken leg and a smashed up car: not our fault!

However, obesity is not something that ‘happens’ to you like a car accident or a bad case of the measles.  It’s not something you ‘catch’ and it’s not an ‘event.’ Obesity and all its evil gang of cohorts doesn’t jump you in the parking lot and suddenly, now you are fat with type 2 diabetes, arthritis and hypertension.  I’m sorry to tell you, but obesity is the result of a longtime eating pattern full of unhealthy choices and it’s usually accompanied by a long standing lifestyle of sitting down. Obesity didn’t ‘happen’ to us; we did it to ourselves. We are not its victims.

No one likes hearing that, including me.  It seems to validate every rotten thing the media and insensitive idiots have told us: we’re fat because we’re pigs who eat too much.  But that is so not true!  It’s way more complicated than just ‘eating too much.’ It’s the result of a lot of bad science and bad advice along with the poor lifestyle choices and just plain bad habits we’ve developed over the years.  The Obesity Epidemic has made it pretty clear that there were a lot of other people who also followed this bad advice, again, me included!

The good news is that since our choices led us to be obese, our choices can lead us to be healthier too.  It’s not going to be a quick transformation, since it took years for us to become obese and unhealthy, but we will get there as long as we are consistent with our healthy choices.  We consistently chose the processed foods that led us to be obese so we have to be just as consistent in picking the better options. Most of us understand this and even if we aren’t exactly thrilled about taking the long hard road to healthy, we aren’t giving up.  We continue to fight for our health.

But there are those of us who love being the victim.  Being a victim means we are the ‘innocent’ victim and that obesity ‘happened’ to us because of someone else and ‘it’s not our fault.’  I really really wish that were true!  Yes, I listened to the bad science and the bad advice and that is part of the reason that I got to be ~440 lbs.  The other part is all the mochas and Payday bars and the constant Jack-in-the-Box drive-thru nights.  And then there were all the Panera bagels and the pasta and breadsticks along with everything else! I knew none of that was good for me, even if it was on the ‘good food’ list of whole grain carbs! One bagel was okay but a bagel every day? Probably not! And being sedentary certainly didn’t help matters either! So, yes, the FDA gave me some really crappy advice but eating everything I wanted as much as I wanted was definitely much worse than the 11 servings of ‘healthy whole grains’ the FDA advised. So, yes, the bad advice happened to me, but I made some really crappy decisions that were my choice.  If I were a victim, it was of my own idiocy.

But it’s a whole lot easier to blame someone or something else for our obesity: it’s my mom’s fault for hiding the cookies when I was a kid; it’s my parents’ fault for not teaching me good eating habits when I was a kid; it’s the school’s fault for feeding me terrible lunches; it’s my babysitter’s fault for buying me fast food all the time.  Blah blah blah! All of those things may have actually happened, but they are not to blame. It would be so much easier to lie around eating granola bars and whatever else I wanted and blaming life, fate or my family for why I’m so miserable. I could be blamelessly fat and since it’s not my fault, I wouldn’t have to do anything about it. It ‘happened’ to me, like the broken wrist I’ve got and the scar over my left eye.  I have no responsibility at all for how I eat or how I was taught to eat. I have many fond memories of going out for burgers as kid and making instant oatmeal in the mornings before school and making boxed pasta dinners in the evenings.  Yes, I grew up on frozen waffles and sandwiches with processed lunchmeat and instant hot cocoa.  I can also blame my parents’ divorce(s) and my crappy home life as a child for why I hid bags of potato chips in my room, but even if I were to stretch the blame as far as it will go to include every bad thing that happened to me as the reason for why I was 47 years old and well on my way to 500 lbs, it doesn’t solve anything!   Why I was obese isn’t the problem.  The problem is that I was obese, and blaming everything and everyone else isn’t going to make me un-obese.  Thinking of yourself as a victim takes away your power and your responsibility.  It leaves you with your problem and offers you no solutions.  Finding a solution means I have to let go of blame and being the victim. How I ended up being obese only matters if I’m looking for the mistakes I made so I don’t make them again. I prefer to see myself as a problem solver instead of the victim of a problem. Like everything else in our lives, we are the product of our choices and the product of circumstances.  Whether something happens to us or we choose it, we have to deal with those consequences.  We can let them define us as a victim or we can use them to make us stronger.

 

 

 

 

Take a Deep Breath and Calm Down! Letting Go of the Weight Loss Drama

Some people love drama, and I don’t mean This Is Us.  They love the drama in their lives and they love creating drama.  It makes them feel important or successful or in some way validates the stress in their lives.  My former Boss From Hell was one of those Drama Queens.  She’d wait until the last minute to write her motion or brief or whatever was due and then it was Drama City all day long!  She was ‘on a deadline’ and couldn’t talk to anyone.  The Associate and I hated it because it usually meant one or both of us would end up working late and driving it to the post office while the other one was stuck at the office filing it electronically with the Court.  She did it on purpose, because if the Associate had already finished the pleading days earlier, she would wait until the due date to ‘review’ it, which really meant she rewrote it and turned a 4 page brief into a 24 page brief.  (In one case, the judge actually put a page limit on all briefs because he had to read them!)

She was only one of the Drama Queens in my life (I’ll spare you the others!)  The point is that she created most of the drama in her life.  The solution was usually pretty simple, but she didn’t want a solution- she wanted the drama!  It created a big “look at me” scene where she got to be the center of attention.  Most of us enjoy being the center of attention at some time or another, especially if it’s for something we did well.  But when we create drama to use as an excuse, then it becomes a problem!

We make the drama in our lives a problem when we try losing weight because we tend to use it as excuse to stay locked into our old bad habits: we can’t make it to the gym because we have to pick up the kids or we have to work late.  We can’t ‘eat healthy’ because there’s a work luncheon and they’re bringing in sandwiches or pizza or something else so you have to eat that! Or you can’t cook something healthy because you were stuck working late for the crazy Boss From Hell again and so you have to pick up fast food. Oh, wait- that last one was actually me, more times than I can count!  And it’s a good example of what I’m talking about.

When we use the drama in our lives as an excuse not to make the healthy or simply happier changes we are ‘trying to make,’ then the drama goes beyond being just an excuse and becomes something harmful.  It becomes something that actually hurts us and can quite probably kill us.  Yes, I know I’m sounding awfully dramatic myself here, but I also know the last six months I worked the Job From Hell, I was quite literally scared it was going to kill me, and after I quit that job, several of my family and friends said the same thing.  I was so stressed I couldn’t sleep, my nerves were shot and I was having panic attacks, I was eating crappy junk food all the time, my weight was going up about as fast as my health was going to hell.  Why did I let myself get so sick and unhealthy? Because I was wrapped up in the all the drama too!

Why did I eat so much crappy fast food? Because I worked late almost every night! I was just too tired and emotionally drained to worry about making anything reasonably healthy!  Why was I so tired all the time? Because I was so stressed over my crazy job I could hardly sleep! I was so invested in the drama The Job From Hell generated that it never occurred to me to take a step back and get some perspective on it.  A glaringly huge Simple Fix I see now is switching out the fast food for healthier just-as-fast options!  Recently, my home life has gotten crazier than normal and I’ve been joking that I’m keeping the same hours I did at TJFH, but the biggest change is that when I am driving home at 7:15 or 7:30 at night and there’s nothing to eat or nothing prepared, instead of stopping at a fast food place (and I pass several), I stop at a grocery store and I pick up a bag of salad and something like cold rotisserie chicken.  It doesn’t take any longer than it did going through a drive-thru (and in some cases less time) and while it may not be what I planned on or wanted, it’s a whole lot healthier! Truth be told, it makes me feel much better mentally and physically than the fast food.  There are a few days, knowing I have the salad and something I can throw in the cast iron skillet waiting at home, I just go home and cook it!  The meat will cook while I throw the salad together and eat that; and other days, I just settle for scrambled eggs.

The situation is still pretty much the same: I’ve got too much going on, a lot of stress in my life, I’m tired and hungry and I just want to get home, relax with my dog and have dinner.  What’s changed is how I choose to focus on the Solution rather than the Drama.

Sometimes there is no Solution: I got stuck working late and now I’ve missed my water aerobics class.  But I still have a choice about investing in the Drama.  I missed the class so I can either go home and get some rest or go to the pool and do some swimming.  Either option is viable, because odds are I probably need the rest, but if it’s not too late and I feel like it, I can just go to the pool.  There have been several days I showed up at the pool when the class had only ten minutes left: I show up, get ten minutes of water aerobics and then swim for another half hour or so.  No drama, no gnashing of teeth or wringing of hands and no huge convoluted Story about how everything in my life is a trainwreck.

That last part is pretty important.  Investing in the Drama creates stress in your life, which causes a stress response in your body.  It’s okay to feel stress, because it happens to everyone, and most of the time, it’s an appropriate response to what’s going on in your life.  But when you manufacture the stress, like The Boss From Hell did, or when you bury yourself emotionally in that stress, you are causing a higher than normal or prolonged stress response in your body.  Your body goes on high alert: your blood pressure, breathing and heart rate usually go up and you become tense.  If this situation lasts more than a few hours, it can and usually does affect your sleep.  Your body doesn’t care if this is an emotional stress (you got bad news about a family member), a work stress (your financial report is late and the boss is mad) or a physical stress (someone hit you). Stress means danger, so it conserves your resources, i.e. your fat stores.  You might need the extra energy to recover from whatever happened or to survive an extended period of deprivation.  That’s how we are designed: something is wrong and we need to make sure we survive! This is one of the reasons it was nearly impossible for me to lose weight working at TJFH: my body was constantly on high alert, conserving all it could!

When you invest yourself emotionally in the stressful situation, you’ve lost your perspective on it.  It’s hard to get your distance on the situation and see things clearly, because it means you have to let go of that drama. You have to admit that maybe you’ve not made the best choices you could have and that this drama is an excuse to keep hitting the drive-thru.  It’s your excuse for not reaching- or even working on- the goals you’ve set.  It’s hard to let go of the drama and even harder still to admit that maybe you screwed up.  Blaming the drama is easier: it absolves you of your mistakes but it also robs you of your power.  You can’t “make good choices” because something or someone else has prevented you from doing that.  How can I be expected to work out two or three times a week when I’m constantly leaving for work at 6:30 a.m. and getting home at 8:00 p.m. at night?  When am I supposed to find the time? (FYI: that is my current schedule right now!)  We make the time for the things that are important to us.  Some of those nights when I get home that late, it’s because I went to the gym.  Yes, it makes for another long day in an ongoing series of long days, but like the grocery store ‘fast food,’ I feel better emotionally (“I’m so proud I made my workout!”) and physically (no “I’m so stiff from sitting down all day.”) Letting go of the drama means that I weigh my choices objectively: is the workout going to make me feel better or do I need the rest more? Sometimes, it’s the rest and sometimes, it’s the workout, but either way, I made my choice without Investing in the Drama.  I refuse to allow the chaos and drama in my life to make my choices for me. Whatever drama is going on in my life, my behavior is still my choice, and the only drama I ‘invest’ in these days is on the tv.